The Finest Ass in the Universe, by Anna Tambour
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The Finest Ass in the Universe, by Anna Tambour
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Elation, compulsion, exploration, love and exquisitely timed bullying, a lascivious oyster, a man called Eggplant, the dangers of smelling like honey pudding, the enticement of innocent toadlets, the unending day of deadness. The daughter of a part-time magician and a Las Vegas showgirl turns to science, destiny points a young man to brassiere design, suddenly orphaned siblings try to protect their most vulnerable, fortunes craze in neighbourhoods living cheek-by-jowl. Unintendeds abound, as life cavorts in all its unclassifiable contrariness.
The Finest Ass in the Universe, by Anna Tambour- Amazon Sales Rank: #1456994 in eBooks
- Published on: 2015-09-03
- Released on: 2015-09-03
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review "In these 26 stories, she's at her best."- Jeffrey Ford"On my short list of beloved idiosyncrasts, which includes R.A. Lafferty and Avram Davidson, there is still no one else the least bit like Anna Tambour." - Marc Laidlaw"Anna Tambour is a rogue punk-prophetess whose writings not only stray from the beaten path; some of them are so far out there that you can hear the distant drums of strange story-tribes being awakened by her prose." - I. O'Reilly, British Fantasy Society review
About the Author Anna Tambour's second novel, "Crandolin" was shortlisted for the World Fantasy Award. Her short fiction has appeared in a number of places, including "The Del Rey Book of Science Fiction and Fantasy" edited by Ellen Datlow; and most recently, "Caledonian Dreamin': Strange Fiction of Scottish Descent" edited by Hal Duncan and Chris Kelso.Jeffrey Ford is the author of three previous story collections and eight previous novels, including the Edgar(r) Award-winning The Girl in the Glass and the Shirley Jackson Award-winning The Shadow Year. A former professor of writing and early American literature, Ford now writes full-time in Ohio, where he lives with his wife.
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1 of 1 people found the following review helpful. Dense but richly delectable By Dr. Thoraiya Dyer I’ve been stirred at last to review this excellent 2015 collection because awards-nominating time has arrived, and there are stories here that deserve nominations!Presentation-wise, everything about the hardback from Ticonderoga is super-cool, from the flap design to the little slice of brain labelled “a piece of her mind” on the About the Author page.As for the fiction, Tambour’s trademarks include: widely varied and succinct characterisations, lush descriptions, whiplash-inducing surprise turns, snide remarks and laugh-out-loud juxtapositions. And food…nobody writes food like she does! Dense but richly delectable, this whole book comes highly recommended.All are reprints except as asterisked.The Oyster and Alice O. – A re-read for me. Opens with this poem: “Most agoraphobic oysters/ ever sweet and passive/are torn from their homes/ to slide down throats and die in gastric acid…” Talk about giving voices to those who have none. I love this tale of the oyster who escapes that undignified fate.Lab Dancer* – I adore these characters. Dr Purfuoy finds her lab assistant useful…to a point. Voyeurism, aunthood and amoebic dysentery intersect with the question: Which would you rather, to win the Nobel Prize or to own the finest ass in the universe?Strange Incidents in Foreign Parts – Frank Branston refuses his rutabaga and is banned from trick-or-treating. I cracked up all the way through this story and I’m envious of Tambour’s character-sketching flair – “Frank’s father, the ex-sailor, now seller of sensible shoes, sat looking at nothing, like a dead catfish” – and her religious commentary – “But wait! There was a hook attached to this wonderful future, just like in everything. He’d have to die! What dang use was that?”Marks and Coconuts – Business satire set in a pet shop. “That beak could snip out car bodies, and no way was he gonna clean its cage, let alone give it fresh fruit.”The Walking-Stick Forest – First published at Tor.com. A creepy guy cultivates live-trained walking sticks in a creepy forest. Oh, yes! Go into raptures over the eerie, beautiful language.High Life* – Another delicious restaurant setting. Slow-moving but sumptuous as a river of stew.Baad-hin’jan and the Chickpea* – THIS ONE! This is my favourite one. Saving the Caliph’s life with the Heimlich manoeuvre leads Baad-hin’jan on an Excellent Adventure. I want the novel version, please! And in fact this is the story most reminiscent of Tambour’s existing World Fantasy Award Shortlisted “Crandolin”. Just amazing wordsmithery. I very much wish it to win things.The Eye of Nostradamus Summit – a parody of Copenhagen. Also: Hearitrium. Tambour’s made-up words make me want to hug her.The Old Testacles – Continuing with religion and the absurd, but a sharper, shorter story.Rocket Fantazyor – serving in the military and designing bras prepare Irving for his destiny. Great balance between humanity and humour.Sincerely, Petrified – This bromance between a geologist and a rock-enthusiast psychiatrist begins with beautiful acrobatics of imagination – “a stand of great pre-redwoods shaded tyrannosaurs, only to fall and be washed down, into this floodplain where proto-crocodiles and salamanders the size of great white sharks slid amongst the cycads” –I also loved Krey’s memory of the “two singing saviours”!The Dog Who Wished He’d Never Heard of Lovecraft – Disclaimer: I’ve not read Lovecraft. “Sincerely Petrified” appeared previously in a Datlow anthology called “Lovecraft Unbound” Is Tambour Lovecraftian? I couldn’t possibly say. But if I can ignorantly comment on this story (I’ve read plenty about dogs, after all), even a non-Lovecraft reader can find enough stylistic quirks – “since we didn’t catch his name, we’ll just call him Ibsen” “Say Ibsen were famous and some dog was cast as him.” “He understood completely, having a touch of lumbago himself” – to keep them chortling all the way through. Also, classic brilliant Tambour imagery: “His hairy face was as expressionless as a barber’s floor.”Bufo of Oahu: Ukulele Ululatress* – Hawaii-set riff on Looney Tunes short, “One Froggy Evening,” (which I vaguely remember from childhood Saturday morning cartoons). An ambitious amphibian would-be screenwriter pitches a love story between man, toad and spam. Amusing digs at Warner Brothers, the mafia, and the uselessness of cane toads as pest management: “We’d as likely climb Christmas trees to eat the lights!” Mmmm, spam.How Galligaskins Sloughed the Scourge – A lawyerish “argufier” is left starving and sucking on medlars when a fashion crisis diverts the attention of his home town. Luckily one of the medlars gives him, Puss-In-Boots style, a set of mysterious instructions to follow.There is No Rice Pudding In The Sea – Unreliably narrated by a mad, larcenous wizard, who meets a telepathic cat in a town market while waiting for the toll of an overdue bell.Dreadnought Neptune – Jules and his 7 year old son wait in the opportunist-crowded innards of a spaceship, waiting for take-off. “Mostly, there was so much silence that the few remarks people made to each other cut into only the cottony muffle of overdressed people breathing.” But of course not all is what it seems. I savoured this tale to the last line. And here, Genie, unlike Frank, actually eats his greens.The Shoe in SHOES’ Window – “The shop says SHOES because that is what it sells, just as the bakery next door says BREAD.” In this story, a window-dresser is accosted by someone who wants a certain shoe in the shop window. “Of course I could not sell a shoe from the window, I told the meeting. They are not mine to sell. They belong to the window.” Funny as.The Emperor’s Backscratcher – Takes a swipe at circular reasoning. On the verge of celebrating the invention of all possible inventions, the Emperor of Ch’u belatedly realises that counterfeit-proof money has not been invented yet.King Wolf – Opens with an obituary in a Sydney newspaper for Selwyn Carrett, dead at age 98, whose wife children and children-in-law have all pre-deceased him, begging the question why. I drank up the descriptions of local landscapes (“…slow-spinning clouds of mating flying ants…windscreen wipers already sticky from acacia fluff…”, one kwunth as a measure of time, the introduction of Lion and the passing broadside at CS Lewis (Wolf’s “revenge” is perfect). My favourite of the reprint stories that I hadn’t already read.Gladiolus Exposed – Fairly creepy but I still got the giggles reading this. The urologist narrator is terrible and hilarious. “If you know what you’re doing and don’t explain, you can do anything.”Adventures of Discovering the Ellemehnopee – Compelling non-fiction piece on adult literacyPococurante – Country lad chooses a carnie to be the god he prays to. “Pococurante! He gave me the strength to be a man, but he was as mysterious as weather.” Not so great at running a dry-cleaner’s, though. (And yes, I had to look it up in the dictionary. You?)The Age of Fish, Post-flowers – Attack of the orms. What is the Sound? Is it the latest weapon of the human side against sea monsters in New York…or something else?Tap* – Hahaha, the ol’ interrupting tap on the shoulder. Simon grins and bears an infuriating boss. Until he starts feeling a ghostly tapping in his dreams.Bowfin Island – Our bold protagonist, birdwatcher and recently retired coding slave, uses a Shetland Island saying – “There’s nae poackits in a shroud” – to convince his travel agent to make the arrangements for a holiday to Puddock House on Bowfin Island. Bowfin meaning stinking/disgusting. “This journal smells of chunder. The fishing boat rolled like half a lemon in a punchbowl.” Don’t read this one while eating breakfast, haha.Cover notes – These are the best cover notes ever.
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. THE FINEST ASS IN THE UNIVERSE, a collection of strange and beautiful stories. By Rebecca Lloyd these are a truly original and wonderful set of stories by a very fine writer whose command of language is better than that of most writers. If I were to choose one story above the others it would be 'The Walking- Stick Forest'... this is an absolutely extraordinary piece of writing with some beautiful and elegant sentences that are quite haunting, such as:- ‘She was taking a drink of water from her dish of hands when she heard come, a man.’In particular, people who aspire to be writers themselves, and people who love literary writing, will gain much from reading this book.
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